My Legacy of Alcohol – Wait.

He called.

Exhale.

Deep Breath in and hold.

I’m quite tired of having conversations in which I spend the entire time double thinking.

The first is simple: listening to my son. Engaging. Being present.

The second is exhausting:
analyzing tone, sentence structure, fact checking,
watching the needle on my bullshit detector.

And I have to factor in the amnesia.
The missing pieces.
The fog that comes after sedation.

So even when something sounds real,
I don’t always know if it is.

It’s draining.

The “dream” of the future in which I can just enjoy a conversation with my son, my friend, My Guy, hangs in a corner of my mind and lights up a little every time I am talking to him – text or voice – it does not matter, my glimmer lights up a little and fades gently away as it becomes clear – he’s not him yet.

Having AUD (Alcohol use disorder) is specific to alcohol but ADDICTION is addiction.

An addict, regardless of the drug or the activity – such as gambling or porn have similar resulting behavior. Most of this is to protect their ability to continue using.

Over time, I’ve learned that addiction has patterns.
Not just with alcohol—any addiction.

The same kinds of behaviours show up again and again.
Lying. Manipulating. Making up stories. Taking things that aren’t theirs.

Not because they’re bad people… but because the addiction needs to keep going.

The creativity is spectacular.

I didn’t really understand how creative it could get until this:

Once, I got a text from him telling me he was having a serious craving for a specific takeout food but was broke – could I order it for him via delivery service.

Everyone knows you don’t give an addict money—you don’t want to free up cash for the drug. (alcohol is a drug). But order takeout, kind of like taking him out for dinner? Sure – I can do that… my account, my order, I’m in control of it… ok.

So I place the order and go about what I’m doing. I get a notification from the driver that the order has been delivered. Then My Guy texts me that there is no order on the porch, either they left it at the wrong house or someone stole it but it’s not there. I report this and get a refund and then reorder the same thing.

This time, they need verification – a hand off with a code which is the last 4 digits of my cell number.. I’m oblivious because I just wasn’t paying attention at that point but I start getting multiple messages from the driver that no one is answering the door – so I call My Guy. He’s drunk. (be aware of the addict that doesn’t want to talk) He’s ranting about this driver wanting a code so I tell him what it is and he gets his food but he’s still, with slurred words, complaining bitterly about the need for a code and how “dumb” that was. I tell him it makes sense after they had to refund the last order. I ended the call – telling him I can’t engage with him when he’s drunk. I’m disappointed.

I should note that this is before he developed the Status Epilepticus condition that causes life threatening seizures when he withdraws so relapsing wasn’t as terrifying as it is now.

Fast forward a few months and his girlfriend is sitting with me (we had never met) telling me that she can not continue to be with him because of his constant relapsing, trips to the hospital for detox, seizures (ones that stop), borrowing money, lying and that she has to look after herself.

I tell her she’s made the right choice, that staying with him is risking her sobriety and I had little hope that he would find his sobriety any time soon. She had to do what was best for her.

We compared notes. When I told her about the food delivery she said “that’s a scam”. Then she explained the ruse. Order food, when the driver arrives tell him it is not the right order, either someone else’s or not what he ordered. The driver panics – bad reviews impact income – so My Guy offers to make a deal, just give me $20 bucks and we’ll call it even. Driver passes him a 20 and he’s off to the LCBO.

• More Creative Ideas;
• Steal something from Walmart. Bring it back to return, it was a gift and I don’t like it. They issue a gift card for a receipt – Uses gift card to purchase alcohol – sold at walmart
• Any “buy me groceries” “pay my rent” “get me gas” etc., etc.,

It’s REALLY hard when you know they don’t have an income and you really don’t want their lives to be harder than they are to say “no” to groceries.

So, back to “He Called”. On the surface, there were stories that somewhat lined up with information I’d gotten from the hospital or his girlfriend. Some of it was way off – but were in that first couple of days after the vent came off. He still experienced some withdrawal symptoms due to poor liver function.

But he says he’s going to the day rehab program.

He says he’ll do everything they tell him to do because nothing else has worked and he’d been given a 2nd, and 3rd chance to live and he was not going to throw it away.

He says the charge nurse arranged for a sober guy to come and talk to him and that they talked for 2 hours and the guy is going to take him to an AA meeting on Friday. (He is on 3 days of bed-rest after the extubation).

That is all positive. I choose to focus on that. But now comes the hard part,

The waiting.

The wondering.

The worrying.

I grieve for him every minute of every day.

The addiction he inherited

The wasted years, and potentially the wasted life of My Beautiful Boy.

I think I will add to my boundary.

Currently my boundary is that I can not interact with him when he’s in active addiction.

Currently he is on the cusp of Recovery. At this juncture it’s important that all the supports and supporters stand up and raise their hand to help the addict hold the line. And cheer on successes. Family support is crucial, especially when the rehab is not 24/7. They might reach out if they feel wobbly, I think my job here is to celebrate every success, and listen when they want to talk about challenges and fears – but not to be an addiction councilor or a crisis support. This is incredibly difficult when you find yourself in a phone conversation that starts with “this is hard” and morphs into I want to drink I can’t do this…. because in that moment, a ‘professional’ is needed.

By professional, I mean an addiction councilor, a crisis councilor, an AA or other program ‘sponsor’ , but not a person that is tied emotionally. You don’t have perspective when you are tied emotionally and there is the danger of your feelings getting in the way of the actual support needed.

So I adjust my boundaries.

I already have one:
I don’t engage when he’s in active addiction.

Now I need another.

He can call me to talk.
Not to fight.
Not for therapy.

He can share.
He can celebrate.
He can be heard.

But I am not a counselor.
Not a crisis worker.
Not a sponsor.

Love is not the same as professional support.

And when a conversation turns into
“I can’t do this”
“I want to drink”

That’s when a professional is needed.

Not me.

My new boundary is simple:

We talk on the phone.

Not by text.

Because I can hear drunk.

Reading drunk is much harder.

Exhale.

Breath in – and hold.

Next up – Secrecy and Shame Caves.